The Dead Ranger
by Hilary Weston
Summary: A version of Monty Python's Dead Parrot sketch


Greetings! What follows is a short piece that is rather silly, but the idea popped into my head and refused to go away. I'm suprised that no one has done it before. Enjoy.

Spoilers: in case any are needed, Endgame.

Disclaimer: B5 characters are not mine. The rest of the text is not mine. I just changed a few names. 

**The Dead Ranger: Adapted by Hilary Weston.**

**(Apologies to Monty Python)**

**( Ivanova enters medlab) **

**Ivanova: I WISH TO REGISTER A COMPLAINT!!. **

**( Dr Franklin does not respond) **

**Ivanova: 'Ello, Miss? **

**Dr Franklin: What do you mean "miss"? **

**Ivanova: (pause) I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to register a complaint! **

**Dr Franklin: We're closing for lunch. **

**Ivanova: Never mind that, Doctor. I wish to complain about this Ranger what I picked up not half an hour ago from this very medlab. **

**Dr Franklin: Oh yes, the, uh, Marcus Cole...What's, uh...What's wrong with him? **

**Ivanova: I'll tell you what's wrong with him, my lad. He's dead, that's what's wrong with him! **

**Dr Franklin: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting. **

**Ivanova: Look, Doctor, I know a dead Ranger when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now. **

**Dr Franklin: No no he's not dead, he's, he's resting! Remarkable Ranger, the Marcus Cole, innit? Beautiful pluuuumage! **

**Ivanova: The plumage don't enter into it. He's stone dead. **

**Dr Franklin: Nononono, no, no! He's resting! **

**Ivanova: All right then, if he's resting, I'll wake him up! (shouting at Marcus) 'Ello, Mister Marcus Cole! I've got a lovely fresh cup of coffee for you if you show...(Dr Franklin nudges Marcus) **

**Dr Franklin: There, he moved! **

**Ivanova: No, he didn't, that was you nudging him! **

**Dr Franklin: I never!! **

**Ivanova: Yes, you did! **

**Dr Franklin: I never, never did anything... **

**Ivanova: (yelling and hitting Marcus repeatedly) 'ELLO MARCUS!!!!! Wakey waaaayyyykey!! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! **

**(takes the Ranger off the table and thumps his head on the surface, then throws him up in the air and watches him plummet to the floor) **

**Ivanova: Now that's what I call a dead Ranger. **

**Dr Franklin: No, no.....No, he's stunned! **

**Ivanova: STUNNED?!? **

**Dr Franklin: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was waking up! Marcus Coles stun easily, Commander. **

**Ivanova: Um...now look...now look, Doctor, I've definitely had enough of this. That Ranger is definitely deceased, and when I picked him up not half an hour ago, you assured me that his total lack of movement was due to him being tired and shagged out after a long sing. **

**Dr Franklin: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the Whitestar. **

**Ivanova: PINING for the WHITESTAR?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got him home? **

**Dr Franklin: The Marcus Cole prefers kippin' on his back! Remarkable Ranger, Commander? Beautiful plumage! **

**Ivanova: Look, I took the liberty of examining that Ranger when I got him home, and I discovered the only reason that he had been leaning on his pike in the first place was that he had been NAILED there. **

**(pause) **

**Dr Franklin: Well, of course he was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that Ranger down, he would have nuzzled up to an airlock, bent it open with his pike, and VOOM! **

**Ivanova: VOOM?**

**Dr Franklin: VOOM! **

**Ivanova: Mate, this Ranger wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through him! He's bleedin' demised! **

**Dr Franklin: No no! He's pining! **

**Ivanova: He's not pining! He's passed on! This Ranger is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to his pike he'd be pushing up the daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibule!! All statements to the effect that this Ranger is still a going concern are, henceforth, inoperative!! THIS IS AN EX-RANGER!! **

**(pause) **

**Dr Franklin: Well, I'd better replace him, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the examination table) **

**Dr Franklin: Sorry Commander, I've had a look, and uh, we're right out of Rangers. **

**Ivanova: I see. I see, I get the picture. **

**Dr Franklin: (thinks) I've got a Lieutenant Corwin. **

**(pause) **

**Ivanova: (sweet as sugar)Does it talk? **

**Dr Franklin: No it doesn't. **

**Ivanova: Right, I'll have that one then. **

END.

I now return you to the serious writing.

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"True Magic is done with the mind and the spirit. Chants and potions are just a way to focus the magic, but they will not work without the magic of your spirit. Every wizard that you may encounter has a vast imagination, and a mind that can fly free. You still have that great gift. When you go home, you can use your imagination to see this world and us. Your mind is free from all bounds. You can travel anywhere, meet anyone and do anything, all within your mind. That is the first gateway to magic." - Nala, Wizard of T'Tenneb.

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Any and all comments please to hilaryweston@hotmail.com

I am still writing my other story. The next part will be coming soon.

Ranger Hilary.

http://www.geocities.com/elenopa/


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